Heart of Nowhere
by Mega-Erofan
Summary: After ridding the college of the Eye of Magnus, Surry tries his best to fill the place of the Archmage while dealing with the aftermath of the chaos. He retreats to the roof of the College after an encounter with Ancano, unsure of his options and potentially bleak future as he stares down at the choppy waters just below him.


The chill of the northern winds is but a familiar numb to Surry as he crosses the roof to overlook the courtyard below, watching the various students and teachers wandering about. He recalls his naïve days as a budding student of magic, unsure of his potential but willing to take the chance to learn and control it. He had great hopes for his future, but he never foresaw this, becoming the Archmage of the College, a burden he initially believed he could handle when Tolfdir informed him that he would be filling the spot. He tried to deny it, stating he wasn't ready for such a step, but the Nord insisted that no one else could fill the role as well. He went on to order a majority of the College to be repaired after the events of the Eye caused considerable damage, slowly bringing the place back to its former glory and attracting many budding mages to its gates. It was as though its glory days had returned as many students from across Skyrim filled the residence halls. While most of the Dunmer's decisions were difficult in the first few days of his new position, it was only earlier this week that his toughest decision had been placed on his shoulders: the fate of Ancano.

He managed to not kill the other during that fateful battle to reach the Eye before it destroyed the College and took what was left of Winterhold with it, only paralyzing him with a spell before using the staff on the Eye to seal its power away. The elf was detained shortly after, awaiting the repair of the College before facing judgment from the Archmage as the events happened within the College walls and most of the casualties were fellow mages, the Jarl left the choice up to him. Even though he was the reason this mess began in the eyes of most of the College members, he could never personally blame the Altmer for many reasons, most of which didn't even matter aside from two. He understood the control the Eye of Magnus could impose on one's mind, having felt it attempt to cling to his when he first approached it in Saarthal and the few times after when he entered the Hall of Elements during his efforts to find out what it was. He'd find himself staring at the artifact for extended periods of time, only coming to his senses again when he was inches away from touching the surface of the orb, contact the Eye wanted to take complete control of him. Even in its last moments in the hall, he felt it desperately try to take root in his mind as he willed it to be sealed, but he refused to let it happen and ordered the Psijic monks to take it as far away from Skyrim as possible. He still felt the Eye's persistent call through its staff, having to lock it away in his barely-used home across the country to keep it from luring him or any other mages under its spell, thankful his Housecarl in Falkreath wasn't strong in the arcane arts. Ancano was just another victim of its allure, succumbing to it without realizing it and serving the malicious presence within until he was pulled free from its control. And he knew he could never bring harm or wish harm upon the Altmer, having cared too much for him in his time as a student to allow such to happen.

He never told any of his fellow apprentice mages of his admiration for the Thalmor mage, knowing it was insane to have feelings for someone that would never accept them. He knew Altmer were naturally pretentious, preferring their own kind as partners if they wanted any in the first place. Ancano would never have even a sliver of interest in a Dunmer, especially a bumbling klutz like he was in his earliest days here, likely thinking him to be a child. His infatuation was borderline unhealthy some days, observing the other in the Hall of Elements during lectures or studying in the College's library, all while sketching in his book under the illusion of taking notes during classes or studying himself. The book was filled with dozens of sketches of the mer by the end of his first week and they were his secret, refusing to share the tome with anyone else in fear of being judged for his attraction. That was why when the decision was brought to his attention, he felt torn in his choices. They wanted a scapegoat to blame for the death of their fellow mages including the previous Archmage, a name to put to the cold murder of some of the best mages in Skyrim, but it wasn't in him to blame the other. He spent most of the day pondering the decision before he was summoned to announce his choice in the matter, presenting himself in front of all the students and the Altmer himself under the restraint of the local guards. Everyone was surprised when he ordered the Thalmor agent be released and gave him a choice: stay and continue learning at the College or return to the Embassy and the safety of his fellow Thalmor. He was equally surprised when Ancano decided to stay, giving Surry his gratitude for sparing his life.

It wasn't until recently that Surry realized where his decision would lead him as his affection only grew as he interacted directly with the Altmer from then on, working out plans for the College with the unheeded aid of the Thalmor because of the Archmage's charity in sparring their agent's life. It became so intense that even the mild brushing of fingers or friendly hand on a shoulder sent the Dunmer's mind spiraling with possibilities and the impure daydreams of what could be. He couldn't stand holding back his feelings for the other anymore and finally decided to confront him about it, but he fled before the other could even react, already knowing the Altmer's response, his inevitable refusal to accept the adoration this insignificant Dunmer has towards him. Surry couldn't take the thought of having his love thrown back in his face so harshly, but keeping it locked away would've done no better for him. Either way would've been a loss, but now he fears having tainted the bond the two have shared so far. The companionship between them was a calm blessing in the hectic life of the Archmage, but the thought of having lost that was too much for the Dunmer. What else was there for him at this point in a position of power that caused him more stress than anything?

Surry's unsure when he wandered to the east side of the roof, sitting on the edge to stare down at the calm, arctic waters more than a hundred feet below him. Uncertainty nips at the back of his mind once more, reminding him of the mess he's made since he arrived at the College months ago. He was the one that found the Eye, causing it to be brought here despite the danger he knew it would present but saying nothing about it, being too proud to have his name potentially associated with this exotic find. His pride is what set in motion everything that has happened, the destruction of the College, the endangerment of Winterhold, and the death of Savos Aren, he was to blame more than anyone else. He should've been the one with his life on the line for the damage caused and lives taken, but he was only seen as a hero for stopping the Eye and trying to fix it, never the true villain in all of this. He feels the bitter warmth of tears stream down his cheeks, moving to wipe them away with the sleeves of his robe, the Archmage's robe, but stops short and simply lets his hand fall. What good was it to wipe away the signs of sorrow when it would be the last thing he felt in his life? He shifts to stand on the edge of the ledge, glancing down once more before pulling off an amulet hiding beneath his robes, a simple silver necklace with an emerald set in the center. It was a gift he received from Ancano shortly after he announced his verdict that once sparked a hope that perhaps the feelings he had were returned, but logic viciously brushed that potential aside, giving it little more meaning than a trinket of their friendship.

"I'm sorry," Surry whispers, lightly kissing the gem in the center before tossing it onto the roof behind him. "I'm not deserving of your gifts at this point, Ancano, not after all the trouble I've caused." He shifts his attention back to the icy waters, closing his eyes as he feels the wind against his back, giving into the force as it gently eases him forward. "Forgive me for this…"

Ancano had been busy in the Hall of Elements once again, trying to concentrate on practicing his spells but finding his mind drifting once more to the Dunmer mage. Surry had more-or-less been a plague on his mind since the young mer stepped into this very hall on his first day at the College. He was observing the class Tolfdir was teaching when the boy stumbled in, joining the others quickly at the prompting of the elder Nord. The Dark Elf certainly showed prowess with his magic, his ward lasted longer than the other students and his fireballs were more potent, a practiced mage at such a youthful age it seemed. The two only locked eyes of a moment when the class was dismissed from the hall, but it was just enough for Ancano to get a good look at the boy's face. He certainly looked younger than he may have been with his long black hair half shaved, the long bangs swept to the left while the rest snakes around his neck in a messy, self-done braid. His purplish gray skin was free of any blemish or wrinkles, his right ear decorated with small gold earrings, and his sharp red eyes that glow with warm desire. He tried to force away that look of interest that was burned into his mind in that moment, unsure why he was so intrigued by this Dunmer. As he watched the other during his time at the college, it seemed more and more apparent that there was a connection between them to a point Ancano couldn't deny after the other, in the position of Archmage, pardoned him of the events caused by the Eye. They began working closely soon after and he quickly discovered the depth of their bond when even the brief contact of fingers grazing one another sent sparks through him in a pleasant way, becoming stronger through consistent contact on his shoulder and arm. The Altmer himself couldn't deny it at that point, but he had doubts the Dunmer desired that kind of companionship, being too preoccupied with running the College on top of everything else going on in his life it seemed. The boy was constantly stressed over one thing or another and the Thalmor agent would give anything to relieve him of even a fraction of it.

He doesn't notice the other has entered the Hall until he dismisses his magic, sensing the aura of the other before he can even speak. He quickly turns to him, smirking when he notices the mer's eyes widen in surprise. "Thought you could sneak up on me, did you?"

"Uh, no, of course not." The Dunmer stammers. "I mean, I had no intention to approach you unannounced but…"

"It's alright, my friend," Ancano chuckles "Now, what is it you need?"

"I just…" Surry seems to struggle with his words as he carefully speaks. "I need to speak to you about something."

"Alright," the Altmer sighs "what seems to be troubling you?"

Surry sighs heavily as he scratches the back of his neck, unable to meet the golden gaze of the other. "It's just that…I've had this bugging me for much longer than I thought it would linger, but I can't simply ignore it anymore. It feels like a weight I've been carrying for years when it's not even been a year. And I…" The Dunmer's face begins to fluster and he seems to notice as he pulls the hood of his robes up to conceal it. "I…"

"What is it?" Ancano inquires, an essence of hope lingering in his chest, wondering if the other had realized their connection. "You can trust me."

"It's just that I…I wanted to…I sort of kind of…" The Dunmer stumbles over the words, growling under his breath in his struggle. "Why can't I just say it?"

"Surydus, please." The Dunmer's head snaps up at the use of his first name, locking eyes with the other finally. "If this is bothering you so much, I want you to be open with me, please."

Surry bites his lip harshly before sighing deeply and grabbing Ancano by the front of his robes, pulling him forward and smashing their mouths together in a surprisingly gentle kiss. It only lasts a moment before the other pulls away, lost for a moment until his ruby eyes grow wide again then quickly backs away as his eyes fall to the floor. "I…I'm sorry." The Altmer barely has time to speak before the Dunmer disappears from the hall, moving faster than he expected as he remains stunned by the kiss. Why would the other apologize for something like that? What did he think he did wrong in that moment of pure emotion? Ancano snaps out of the trance and takes off after the other, surprised when he kicks something in the entryway of the hall. He glances down to find a familiar book now against the hall's doors, quickly retrieving it.

" _He must've dropped it in his hurry._ " He ponders, looking over the item for any sign of a title or personalization on the dark teal cover. " _Seems rather plain for someone like him, but he's always scribbling in it during his lessons. I wonder…_ " He carefully cracks the book open, surprised by the mixture of notes and sketches scattered throughout the book, most if not all the drawings were of him, beautifully drawn in what seemed to be carefully done charcoal or ink, the style developing as the pages went on with smoother lines and more precise detail. The mer had this book since his first day here, never letting anyone see it or leaving it behind during his travels or studies. Has he been longing for him for that long and never said anything? Why would he keep such intense feelings locked away and be ashamed of letting them be known now? He shuts the book and only then notices someone else in the area with him, throwing a gaze to the Dunmer girl standing by the doors, Brelyna if he recalls correctly, one of the students Surry studied beside before his quick promotion to Archmage. She curiously shifts her gaze between the book in his hand and him, her red eyes burning through him.

"Why do you have Surry's book?" She inquires. "He doesn't willingly hand it off to anyone."

"He dropped it a while ago when he was…quickly leaving." Ancano sighs, briefly reflecting on the kiss. "It seems to be significant, so I should get it back to him, but I'm not sure where he could've gone."

"He shouldn't be too far if he just left." Brelyna states. "Then again, he's quick even for a mage, he definitely was when we were in Saarthal. Disappeared with Tolfdir into the bowels of the ruin only to emerge a little over an hour later, not a mere feat from how big Tolfdir stated the crypts beneath were. It'd be best to check to make sure he hasn't slipped away from the College completely."

"If you could do that, I'd appreciate it greatly." Ancano says. "I'll see if he's retreated to his private quarters and make my way down from there."

"I'll recruit J'zargo and Onmund to help me search the lower areas of the College." Brelyna adds. "We'll meet in this Hall if neither of us has found him by then."

Ancano nods and begins up the stairs to the Archmage's Quarters, carefully pushing the door open before slipping inside. Nothing seems disturbed, most everything being the way it had been when he was last here yesterday evening. Surry had always been organized, having had a conniption fit when he found the quarters a mess. He completely reorganized everything once he began settling in, able to rearrange the space just right for his needs. No book was left out, no ingredients on the alchemy table, and enchanted items and soul gems never leaving the safe by his bed. Ancano appreciated this organization he had, it was a cute habit the Dark Elf was well known for in his own quarters when he started at the College. The Altmer crosses the room to where the bed is, hoping the boy went to seek solace in his sheets but finds it uncomfortably empty and a complete mess, unlike Surry would keep it. As he turns back to the stairs, he notices the other set of doors cracked open, knowing well that they were kept locked since they led up to the rooftop of the Hall. A cold chill went through the mer as he quickly crosses to the doors and hurries up the stairs to the roof, greeted by the bitter sting of northern wind in his face. Thankfully it wasn't snowing or seeing anything up here would be near impossible, giving a clear view of the rooftop and everything around and below it. He only just catches sight of Surry from the corner of his eyes, the mer standing on the edge of the raised wall around the roof, seeming lost in his thoughts. He watches him pull off a necklace from beneath his robes, the silver emerald necklace he had gifted to him before. It was more a trinket of friendship with romantic hints behind it, but something Ancano knew the other cherished yet he watches him toss it behind him before looking out onto the ocean. He barely catches the other's words as the wind dies down for a moment.

"I'm not deserving of your gifts at this point, Ancano, not after all the trouble I've caused." The Dunmer sounds defeated as the wind picks up again, seeming to push him as his body leans forward over the edge.

"No!"

The Altmer races to the other with a speed he never knew he had, grabbing the other by the back of his robes just barely and yanking him back. He catches the other in his arms and grabs him tightly as he stumbles back onto the cold hard stones of the roof, refusing to let the other go as they sit there in the blistering winds. Surry is slow to realize what had happened until the pain in his tailbone sets in and he opens his eyes, finding himself still on the roof of the College. He begins to ponder why until he feels something warm and wet nuzzle against his neck, turning to find the face of his Thalmor friend buried in his shoulder and his arms holding him tightly.

"Don't you dare go and do that to me, you bastard!" The Altmer growls, his hands balling into fists as they grab at the robes of the other. "I'm not going to lose the only thing I have left in this damned world."

Surry feels his heart shatter when the other looks up, the tear-stained cheeks of the other's golden face too much for him to bear as tears of his own break free. He nuzzles into the other's neck as he silently sobs into the other's embrace. "I'm sorry…" is all he can muster to say as he turns in the other's arms, curling against the older mer as the other holds him close. It's a chilling relief that Ancano didn't brush off the act as something mundane as he would've previously in his life, unsure how he would've dealt with losing someone that's become so important to him over a matter of weeks. He hopes never to find out as he presses his face into the dark locks of the other, gingerly running his fingers through the length loosened from the braid as the other rests against him. He couldn't blame the other for being fatigued after everything so far, unable to find rest since bringing the Eye to the College and even now unable to find peace with the responsibilities of the Archmage heavy on his mind. It feels like ages when the other finally shifts in his arms again, resting against his shoulder so he can look up at the other, the pools of ruby filled with a mixture of confusion and longing. He moves to his head away but Ancano stops him, turning his face back to him.

"Why?" is the only word the Altmer can utter, stern but heavy with deep-set emotions. Tears come back to Surry as he refuses to meet the other mer's gaze, his nails digging into his palms as he summons the courage to speak.

"I knew you wouldn't accept my confession" Surry murmurs "and I was afraid of hearing your rejection. You deserve better than me, I know you do. My kind is nothing but filth to your mer-kin and I know it must make you sick to your stomach thinking someone like me could harbor such deep feelings for someone of such high esteem. But I couldn't hide them any longer and you deserved to at least know that someone so insignificant cared so deeply for you." He pulls his face away when the High elf's grip weakens on his chin. "I wouldn't blame you hating me at this point."

"Why would you ever think I could hate you?" The Dunmer looks back at him, bewildered by the question. "You're one of the closet friends I have in this city, in this entire country, and I wouldn't trade our time together for anything else. What would make you think I despised you in any way?"

Surry looks away once more. "Well, not to sound prejudice, but it's how your race is. Any Altmer I've run into in the past, Thalmor or not, just looked at in disgust, like I was something that crawled out of the mud. It didn't bother me as much in my early days of travel…until I saw you for the first time, then it started eating away at me because I knew it could never happen. I was chasing a wild fantasy at that point, but I couldn't force the feelings away, I knew better."

"You're not wrong there." Ancano sighs. "My kind can be very pretentious and belittle those not of our race, but not all of us remain that way for long." He nuzzles into the side of the Dunmer's face, surprising the other. "Truthfully, you've been the center of my world since you first arrived at the College, whether I wanted you to be or not." Surry looks back at the other as he continues. "I didn't want to accept it at first, thinking I was going crazy for having someone like you stuck in my mind. As time went on, I simply accepted it as Mara's gentle guidance to something I wasn't even sure of, but I only realized the truth after you sparred me the blame for the incidents involving the Eye. Our connection was undeniable at that point and I couldn't imagine walking down any other path without you beside me. That's the reason I stayed when you offered me my choices because to leave you behind would be leaving behind a piece of myself as well. I was hoping to eventually summon the courage to confess, but you beat me to it. I didn't say anything earlier because you surprised me with that sudden affection I had been blind to all these weeks and I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner." He gently cups the other face in his hand, pulling him close with the arm wrapped around the Dunmer's waist. "But it seems our feelings are out in the open, no more secrets for us." Surry nods, his purple gray cheeks beginning to flush red between the cold and the proximity between the two. "Perhaps we should take this inside before you start freezing."

"That'd be wise." Surry sighs. "But first…"

The Altmer shoots the other a curious look as he wraps his arms around his neck, suddenly closing the space between them as he's pulled into a kiss, just as gentle as before but with more confidence behind it. The older mer doesn't take any chances and moves a hand to rest on the other's neck, tilting his face to slot their lips together perfectly. The warmth of the contact almost rivals the aura of every healing spell both mer know, even as they part to inhale the bitter air around them. Ancano shuffles the other in his arms before pushing himself to his feet, carrying the other inside and carefully shutting the door behind him as the duo retreats to Surry's quarters. Both are unaware of the three students, led by Brelyna, previously watching them from the door to the rooftop that scrambled down the stairs to avoid discovery, watching just out of sight as the Altmer carries their Archmage into his room. The Khajiit among the three decides to take a risk and quickly climbs up the stairs, peering inside for a moment before slowly shutting the door behind them then rejoining his friends below.

"Why the hell did you do that, J'zargo?" Brelyna inquires quietly. "You could've been spotted."

"He obviously was preoccupied with our Archmage, so J'zargo was simply aiding in their privacy." The Khajiit explains.

"And risking being spotted by that crazy Thalmor agent?" The final student speaks up from beneath his hood. "You truly must have a death wish."

"Do not underestimate J'zargo's sneaky tendencies, Onmund, or you might find a few lightning sigils in your sleeping quarters tomorrow morning." The Khajiit snickers.

"That's enough, you two." Brelyna sighs, glancing towards the door then back to her friends. "Surry's been found and he's okay, that's all that matters at this point, so let's leave the two be, alright?" The two mages nod and proceed quietly down the stairs as Brelyna continues. "And neither of you are to breathe a word of this to anyone else, it remains between the three of us, agreed?"

"Of course, Brelyna." The duo quietly chuckles, hurrying down the stairs and disappearing from the sight of the Dunmer.

She patiently waits until she hears the door close at the bottom of the stairwell before slinking up to the quarters door herself, biting her lip before risking a peek into the room. She smiles as she sees the two sitting by the small garden within the chambers, Surry fitting like a glove against Ancano in the Altmer's lap as they quietly converse. He deserved this after everything that has happened and she's glad to have been wrong about the Thalmor agent, hoping the two could be happy together. She silently shuts the door then quickly scurries down the stairs, hoping neither of the two had noticed her as she slips out of the stairwell, leaving it in a calming silence.


End file.
